Footprints

Things change and life goes on.

In real life, I have gotten a new job with new exciting challenges. A place to go to and feel productive at the end of the day.

In real life, I'm living a dream. I'm 35 years old and finally doing what I should have done many years ago. I've gotten approved for a mortgage all by myself! Yay me! I'm searching for a place to live with the person whom I could never see myself without. My "soul sister", my confidant, my best friend and my sidekick. We will be putting an offer on a beautiful condo this weekend. And, we should be moved out from my mother's place in just a few months. It's kinda scary to undertake such a big responsibility but we'll be so much happier on our own. Oh! How I can smell the freedom now! I simply cannot wait. A part of me, though, would rather stay at mom's because it's so much cheaper here but, you know how it goes, right? People adjust their budget according to their cost of living. The more money one has, the more unnecessary expenses one occurs.

In real life, I have people who love me. People who care for me and people who depend on me.

In real life, I have it all...

*whispers softly* I have it all with the except of a portion of my heart that you took away with you. I wish I could say that it was only my virtual heart that you took with you but there's no difference at all between the virtual heart and the real heart. Things are virtual when we cannot touch them but, certainly not virtual to feelings.

In my virtual life, I am a wedding planner and designer. I am a wedding officiate and I bring couples together. I am present when they share the most wonderful day of their life together.

In my virtual life, I have vowed never to get involved in a relationship again. There's no one that can bring me satisfaction like I deserve and no one is worth the pain and suffering that comes when things come to an end for I cried real tears when you disappeared from my life.

In my virtual life, I rez prims. I torture them and texture them to create something beautiful to embellish the residents' fantasy world. My creations are detailed with a romantic flare. I put a lot of pride in my virtual work just like I do in real life. And, now, with an added skill to the mix... I've learned to script! So, many wonderful things to come from that.

In my virtual life, I have my own sim. Something I wanted for a long long time.

In my virtual life, I have it all... including the footprints you left on my heart.

~Vasanti~

The Heart

A little over a week ago, I offered to rebuild DJQuad's dream house once built by Koto but, because Koto isn't around anymore, he cannot update it. This house was originally built almost 2 years ago. It's seriously out of date and wasn't finished 100% either. Being that DJQuad has always meant the world to me and that I have the skills to make his dream house happen, I offered to rebuild it with all the upgrades. It took a bit of convincing to do but, he finally agreed. But now I wonder, will my heart go with the house?

In all honesty, I never ever had any ulterior motives for building this house. I simply wanted to do something nice for someone I care for and love. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Everyone deserves to be able to live in their dream house and, sometimes, a virtual world is all we have to show for it. But the longer it takes for me to complete this house, the more attached I am getting to a man who will never commit to me. So, that leaves me with a few options: 1- stop all building now to save my own heart or 2 - accept the situation as it is as I offered to build the house consciously knowing what would happen... The heart wants more and the head knows nothing more than a friendship will happen. when the house is built, everything will be back to normal which is us not seeing each other for days and, sometimes, weeks at a time with hardly any words exchanged.

I love him but love isn't enough.

~Vasanti~

Dead

I haven't been updating this blog much, have I? My virtual world is actually almost non existant at the moment. I've been spending major time away from Second Life because Lyne's computer is in the shop getting fixed. Just a few days after we dropped off her computer, they closed for renovations without telling us prior. She will only get her computer back in a week or two from now. And, I let her use mine.

Being away from the virtual world has made me realize just how much time and energy I used to put on there and all for a reason... I am lonely in my real life and I don't have affection. I can go days without anyone touching me as much as sliding their hands on my arm even if I live with my best friend, my mother and my brother.

I'm not in a good state of mind right now, though. I have several emotions running through my mind. I'm scared to giving my heart away again because I did give it to someone before and .... just fuck it. It'snot worth going there again. I'm dead to him now and so, I best make him dead to me too. So, I don't talk about it. The only thing that keeps me going right now, though, is the thought of meeting James for real but I'm terrified that it'll never happen and my heart will be shattered to a million pieces.

~Vasanti~

It's Been A While

It's been a while since I last posted anything on here. Truly, I haven't had much interest in my virtual world... well, at some point, however, there surely were a few spikes since DJQuad left me (see previous blog).

I've managed to complete a sim I was designing and building with the exception of a few smaller details. It surely was a big project consisting of an underground and an above ground city. I had started this project end of September... it's not 2 months later and still, I'm going at it. It's taking much longer than I would have wanted it to take but, I need to be in a certain state of mind to rez prims and to be creative. The breakup messed me up. We've had a few talks.. more like "fights" and, it's best we don't talk at all at the moment because, he surely is up to his old "games". Mr. DJQuad will be quick to say that he don't play any games but, yet, he fails to fully commit to a single woman and seems to want to run a harem of them appearing to be the sweetest and kindest man of all times, most devoted, loyal, faithful and honest. That, however, is left to be debated. *I* knew it but, love... love isn't perfect. It's messy. And, when two people are willing to work at it, there's hope. Love, it's also seeing someone's faults... and I mean REALY seeing them... and still be able to love unconditionaly without hesitations. I knew what he was all about. I loved him regardless. In the end, I got hurt and I'm the only one to blame because, I had faith in him and I believed in him. Ah well.. live and learn.

I've been also busy bringing back my gift shop into SL. It has a very huge selection of greeting cards, gift boxes and teddy bears with more things to be added. However, I've caught interesting into something else... Let's see what time brings.

I'm cutting this short as it's 3AM here and I need to work in the morning. Need to get myself to bed.

~Vasanti~

Just Hold Me

About eight weeks ago, my friends Ashlynn and Rianne had decided that they wanted to take their Second Life to another level and experience something totally new and exciting with their husbands. They wanted to experience a virtual pregnancy. Here comes the innevitable question from both Rianne and Ashlynn: Why don't you do it with us?

I didn't know what to say. I tried to avoid the question as much as possible whenever either one of them asked me. I managed to brush it off for about 2 weeks before I had to face them and my husband.

One day, a little over six weeks ago, me and my husband were having one of our moments cuddled into each others' arms and I told him about Ashlynn and Rianne wanting me to experience the pregnancy with them. I really didn't know, at this point, how he would feel about it. And, when he asked me if I wanted to, I seriously felt a bit relieved while at the same time, so very insecure.

I felt relieved because he didn't immediately dismiss it. I felt insecure because I didn't want to risk loosing my husband. We had just gotten married after a long year of emotional ups and downs between the two of us. Most would say that we were doomed from the start... I refused to believe that until a couple days ago.

I explained to him my insecurities and he convinced me that we would be fine. We aren't the average couple and have managed to overcome a lot more than 90% of long distance couples and there's no way a virtual pregnancy would break us up. He would be there... by my side... through it all. We will have these children together and we will go on... together... after we have them.

I smiled and felt he meant it. I felt that this time, he really wouldn't leave me nor would he play me for a fool. So, I told Ashlynn and Rianne that I would be happy to do this with them. The next day, we walked into the clinic together. Rianne, myself and my husband. When Ashlynn finally got online, she joined us too. I was the only one out of the three of us who's husband was present. It helped to make me feel safe that he'd be there for me when it's time to actually deliver these babies but, I still felt a little insecure and when it came time to purchased the pregnancy package, which was 4000$L, I didn't have the money. I could have easily borrowed it from Lyne, my real life friend, but it also was a way to stall things a bit longer... a few more days until my credit card payment goes through... a few more days to think this through... a few more days to be with my Love.

Oh! But he had the money. He gave it to me and said, jokingly, "Let me pay for child support". So, I had no choice but to buy the pregnancy package... and... I did. I bought it and followed the instructions. I sent my shape to the baby dude (also known as "the doctor") and a few days later, I had received 4 different shapes. One shape to carry me through each week of the pregnancy cycle.

One day in Second Life can often feel like one week. Here I am looking at this pregnancy package that contained 4 weeks of shapes!

I start the pregnancy and put on week #1. Just a couple days after, Ashlynn and her husband break up. It broke my heart to see her in distress like she was. She was hurting and didn't even get to start the pregnancy that her and her husband break up. I kept thinking how devastated I'd be if that happened to me. I'm not sure what I would do but I would go on to bring the pregnancy to term, I thought. But why?

I try not to roleplay in my Second Life. I evaluate each situation as if they were to happen in real life. So, in real life, I would have no choice but to carry the pregnancy to term unless I decided to go for an abortion, which is out of the question. My babies were conceived with love and I will be a good mother to them even if the father is missing. Those were my thoughts when Ashlynn and her husband broke up, but, not everyone plays their virtual world the same way I do. Therefore, I understood her decision to not go through with the pregnancy.

Then, her and Keagan got back together! Yes! They figured a way how to resolve things and managed to remain together. How could they not? They managed to remain together for 2 years and through major challenges. It made me happy to see this. My friend was happy again and I compared their experiences to mine and my own husband. If they can pull through, so can we!

Days go on. Weeks. And finally, a month. The delivery got delayed for a couple more weeks because my husband wouldn't be able to be online much the time it was originaly scheduled for. So, what was supposed to be a 4 week pregnancy cycle became a 6 week cycle. I was trying to remain calm, though, even if all the signs around me told me I should panic.

He barely touched me for the last month. Why? He's been sick. I haven't felt his arms around me or his body close to mine for what seems to be a long long time. I haven't heard his voice for even longer. I want to hear his heart beat. I want to sit comfortably between his legs while he wrapped his arms around me... around us. Me and my babies. I want to rest my head against his chest... and I want to stay like this forever. I miss his strong arms around me and I prayed, each and every day, that tomorrow would bring him back to me. Instead, tomorrow brought more work and more customers our way. We were busy keeping them happy and, soon before we both knew it, it was time for bed. Tomorrow also brought him further and further away from me as it became easier to seclude and push me away. When will there be time for me? Maybe tomorrow?

This went on for a month and, occasionaly, I would say something but every time I would say something, he would get seriously upset with me telling me that he needed space. Space from what is what I didn't understand because it's not like we had to be with one another 24/7. While I was at real life work, we were away. We'd really only be together when I got in Second Life and that's about 3 to 4 hours a day. Not much considering that he had much more time in Second Life than I did. As the weeks went on, he would distant himself away from me even more. He used to greet me with an email in the mornings or, at least replied to mine when I would beat him to it. Then, last week, no more. Work has consumed him leaving me with even less affection. I don't make him happy anymore. He's found something new. Whether it be another girl to be with or... work.

Monday night, he broke up with me for reasons I don't know of. All I wanted to know was why my husband could barely touch me the last month. Before I knew it, his name was removed from my partner box and he had cleared all traces of me in his profile. He ejected me from his group and he even returned all objects I had layed on his land, which had become our home.

The house I built for us... no more. I layed each block of wood with thoughts of us. I imagined how cozy the house would be and how nice it would be to have friends over to play a game of Greedy or while we watched a movie together. I had layed down a cuddle rug in the corner of what would be our livingroom just an hour or so before he made it all dissapear hoping that I could TP him over for a few minutes before we went to bed. Feelings of desire rushed through my body as I moved the slow dance pose balls right in the center of that rug. We shared our last dance there a week prior as he asked me to dance with him 10 minutes before he had to log off a week before. I took a picture. It's the last picture I have of him... of us. It our last slow dance.

I walked away. I brought with me my broken heart and our babies. I left behind my Master, my husband, my boyfriend, and... worst, my best friend. I miss him. I miss everything about him. I wonder why he couldn't talk to me. I wonder why things are like this and if he'll come back? I wonder if he misses me as much as I miss him. I wonder if he has replaced me already. I wonder if I was just a rebound to him and why he couldn't touch me? I wonder why he could spend so much time and energy trying to piss off his ex fiancee and why, just why, couldn't he see what he really truely had in front of him: ME! Why couldn't he spend just as much energy on us as he did trying to piss her off? Why? If he did, we wouldn't be here this way today and I wouldn't be another statistic as I walk into the clinic alone tonight to give birth to our children: Antonio Radio and Savannah Radio.

Just hold me... That's all I wanted.

~Vasanti~